grief gutted expose

i just try to go on,because damn there is so much shit to do, dying in america, and my own bits of things i need to do, and i do, but life confuses me under the best of circumstances i don't understand the routines of daily life but they are sanity. it is dull. that is sane. so close to insane i lurch so much i never tell ( and those i do just runrunrun and i don't answer my e-mails unless i pretend to be happy) then it hits me like a wash of horror that my father died and he is ashes in a box and i just miss him so much...